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Sweat that had beaded on my forehead from fear, not from exertion, slipped into my eyes and stung them with their salt. I blinked as I looked around frantically. For a moment my gaze was blind and unseeing. I didn’t know why I was so afraid, but the look on Cariel’s angelic face before I had sprinted from the room had shaken me. My vision cleared and I saw Lord Devnikolus sitting with his eyes closed in the center of the room. The faintest wisp of a smile twitched at the corner of his face. ‘Hello there, Jon,’ he said softly. ‘Close the door behind you and keep your voice down. We wouldn’t want to wake Maria… now would we?’ I took a deep belly breath and exhaled slowly. He is here… He is right here. A small slightly hysterical sounding chuckle escaped unbidden. I could not help the large grin on my face and I tried to hide it by turning to close the door slowly. When I turned back around, Devnik’s eyes were open and staring at me. For a brief moment, my mind skipped back to. Secret love that I knew could never be.For that, in truth, was what I felt; I loved him. And not in the manner of a normal mother, oh, no! In the manner of a woman and a man. I wanted him to protect me as I cared for him, to warm my bed, to prove his love for me on my body. I lost count of how many times I had sobbed myself to sleep knowing the impossibility of my dreams, or tried to work it out of my system by masturbating and imagining I was with someone, anyone else. It never worked, though; my thoughts always returned to Brandon, muscles rippling powerfully as he vanquished anything that threatened me.After a few sessions with the counsellor that had not helped- and how could they, for I lied to her about the cause of my stress- she suggested that I try writing down my feelings and thoughts, then burn the letter to myself, symbolically ending that chapter of my life. She claimed it was a powerful tool, that organising my jumbled mind and emotions then destroying them would be.
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